AFC EAST
1. New England Patriots: Showing that patented Tom Terrific golden touch, Tom Brady cures AIDS, invents time travel and heals the wounds of his injured teammates all while leading the Patriots to a division title. But the Pats run for another Super Bowl title is cut short when a vengeful God, angry after seeing the golden statue of Brady Bostonians have constructed, smites the city, unleashing so many plagues of locusts and floods that even Brady is powerless to stop Him.
'07 Record: 13-3
2. New York Jets: Like all geniuses, the Mangenius is an often misunderstood, eccentric fellow who can be too smart for his own good. Sometimes his intelligence makes him seem aloof to his players and team chemistry is effected, consequently endangering the Jets playoff chances. However, quality, classy quarterback Chad Pennington is not a thrower, he's a passer and he refuses to let the team give up whether a certain franchise legend cares about them struggling or not.
'07 Record: 10-6
3. Buffalo Bills: The development of J.P. Losman stalls when coach Dick Jauron institutes the old K-gun offense of the early 90s Bills. After the team struggles to find a QB to run the no-huddle style offense, GM Marv Levy realizes the Bills have but one place to turn to save their season. The Bills sign QB Bills and proceed to win their final eight games by an average of 65 points.
'07 Record: 8-8
4. Miami Dolphins: Criticized for selecting wideout Ted Ginn Jr. with the ninth pick of the draft, the Dolphins get the last laugh. Ginn misses most of the year after reaggravating the same foot injury he sustained celebrating in last year's National Championship game and hence does not put up the sub par stats and cannot make the countless route running mistakes many pundits had predicted.
'07 Record: 5-11
AFC WEST
1. San Diego Chargers: Shawne Merriman's backne, wild mood swings and sudden hair loss arouse suspicion among teammates and NFL higher-ups that he is again taking steroids. In response, Merriman does his popular "Lights Out" dance. Merriman is promptly awarded the Defense Player of the Year award and is named to his third Pro Bowl.
'07 Record: 12-4
2. Denver Broncos: The Broncos' season is derailed when Maury Povich confronts running back Travis Henry mid-game with numerous paternity test results. Henry admits that he has made some mistakes, but explains that he's just looking for love in all the wrong places. But the explanation falls on deaf ears and Henry is suspended under the NFL's new, stricter bastard child rules, costing the Broncos a chance at the division.
'07 Record: 9-7
3. Kansas City Chiefs: Around midseason the Chiefs forget why you play the game. Head coach Herm Edwards is spending so much time perfecting his renowned clock management skills and figuring out how to end Larry Johnson's career by age 28 that by the time he realizes it, KC is out of playoff contention.
'07 Record: 6-10
4. Oakland Raiders: Sixteen-year-old head coach Lane Kiffin's voice changes at the worst possible time- as he's delivering an impassioned halftime speech- and Raiders players can't help but laugh at his expense. The team plays poorly as Kiffin goes through many more growing pains in his first season as head coach, including hair growing in places it had never grown before and the Raiderettes, whom he had previously thought had cooties, suddenly looking much more interesting to him.
'07 Record: 4-12
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