Belichick: 'I Can't Help That I'm Omniscient'

One day after being accused of violating NFL rules by taping the New York Jets' sidelines during a season opening 38-14 victory, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick apologized to Commissioner Roger Goodell and the New England staff and fans for being all-knowing.

"I really feel bad about all the hullabaloo this has caused," Belichick said. "If I had know my powers of perception were this big of an issue than I would have done my best to control them. Although, I'm not sure that would have done any good either, I can't help that I'm omniscient. Even when the coach calling the opposing teams' plays covers up his mouth I can usually still concentrate really hard and see through his laminated play sheet."

Of all the geniuses sprouting from the "Lil Bill's coaching achievers" program he inherited from Bill Parcells, Belichick says he felt most comfortable with Eric "the Mangenius" Mangini, but all of that has changed now that Mangini betrayed his mentor by selling out family secrets to the league.

"Eric's actions disappoint me, I thought he valued family and loyalty more than that," Belichick said. "It's too bad, but he must pay for what he's done. I know it was him, he broke my heart. HE BROKE MY HEART!"

Although clearly perturbed, Belichick said he doesn't expect the incident to result in bad feelings festering between he and Mangini, or between the Jets and Patriots, because he plans to "take care of that thing himself. I'll just say this- backstabbers don't get to just walk out of Gillette Stadium in tact, it's either their hoodie or their life."

When asked if he would ever reach out to his estranged pupil, Belichick said, "Depends on what your meaning of 'reach out' is, but I doubt it. The next time we play the Jets, mark my words, ManJudas won't be getting a patented Bill Belichick real, heartfelt hug. It probably won't even get to that point because I'm going to be so angry when I see his fat face. I find his lack of faith disturbing and I'll probably just use The Force to choke him to death from across the field."