Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Your 2007 PRAY FOR MOJO Professional Tackle Football Preview (NFC East/West Edition)

From the east coast to the west coast, down the Dixie Highway and back home, this is our country. And if there's one thing our country loves more than cheeseburgers or freedom it's football. So today, as the 2007 NFL season gets set to kick off, PRAY FOR MOJO has all the uniformed, partisan information you need to mouth off like an ass on Sundays. We're going to keep each team's preview short and sweet, just the facts of what to expect this year. But make no mistake, PRAY FOR MOJO is THE definitive source for NFL information you won't get anywhere else. Basically, I could kick John Clayton's ass, probably:

NFC EAST
1. Dallas Cowboys: Terrell Owens' semiannual attempt to sabotage his team's season boomerangs on him when, after suggesting the Cowboys would be better off with Brett Favre at quarterback, owner Jerry Jones agrees and trades Owens for Favre. After a week in Wisconsin, Owens contemplates whether he would rather die or live in Green Bay, but then decides that he has still has 25 million reasons to be alive.
'07 Record: 10-6

2. Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles keep pace with the Cowboys all year, with each team alternately holding the division lead each week. But the Eagles chance at the division title disappears when, in a critical late December game, offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg convinces head coach Andy Reid to choose the goal he wants to defend instead of taking the ball after the Eagles win the overtime coin toss. "Based on the wind conditions I really thought they were going to have trouble," Mornhinweg said, apparently undeterred by the fact that the game was played inside Texas Stadium. "Someone said it was the air conditioning, but I don't think so. It was pretty stiff and right in our face, I stand by my strategy."
'07 Record: 10-6

3. Washington Redskins: In an effort to beef up a porous defense owner Daniel Snyder opens up his checkbook to sign defensive legends Lawrence Taylor and Deacon Jones. The gambles pay off for a couple of weeks, but by midseason Jones is dead and LT again gets hooked on blow, only this time he takes teammates down with him. Corners Shawn Springs and Fred Smoot become irritable and paranoid, while safety Sean Taylor's accelerated heart rate prevents him from eating or sleeping for days at a time. Needless to say, the Redskins play hurriedly, spastically and poorly.

'07 Record: 7-9

4. New York Giants: In an effort to prove to his players that retired running back Tiki Barber isn't right about him, head coach Tom Coughlin becomes a "player's coach." Besides hosting poker night in his rec room and taking the team to see Superbad, Coughlin starts listening to hip-hop and does away with his stringent punctuality rules. Players are encouraged to "show up when they wake up" and instead of going over film Coughlin naps in his office and watches reruns of Scott Baio is 45...and single with tight end Jeremy Shockey. The approach backfires and the Giants struggle through a sloppy and undisciplined season. Coughlin is fired, but Al Davis promptly hires him to coach the Raiders.
'07 Record: 5-11

NFC WEST
1. Seattle Seahawks: The Seahawks start '07 on a high and ride it all the way to a division title after learning they will posthumously be awarded the Super Bowl XL title. After enough of their Starbucks-drinking, umbrella toting fans complained, the NFL changed the outcome of the game. "It's about time the NFL rectified this," quarterback Matt Hasselbeck said. "I mean, who cares if the Steelers beat the one, two and three seeds in the AFC on the road and then beat us, the number one seed in the NFC. There was that one bad pass interference call in the first quarter of that game and I think that rightfully entitles us to the Super Bowl XL championship."
'07 Record: 9-7

2. San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers play well and compete for the division sooner than many expected, but eventually finish behind Seattle. However, flamboyant residents of San Fran do what they do best and get behind their men. They also agree that, more than Jacksonville's Jack Del Rio, 49ers head man Mike Nolan looks "fabulous" in his Reebok suit.

'07 Record: 8-8

3. St. Louis Rams: After the Edward Jones Dome turf is replaced by FieldTurf, the Rams marketing department replaces the slogan "The Greatest Show on Turf" with the slogan "The Greatest Show on FieldTurf." It fails to catch on and becomes a significant distraction for the team, causing the offense significant stress as they attempt to popularize the new moniker. The marketing department tries to change the slogan to "The Greatest Show on Synthetic Grass" in week 10, but it's too late.
'07 Record: 7-9

4. Arizona Cardinals: THE CARDINALS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! Arizona has all the pieces in place to make a run at the division in '07, including an up-and-coming quarterback, an established running back and receivers and improving players on the offensive line and on defense. Unfortunately, the team remembers they're the Arizona Cardinals and underachieves. THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!!!
'07 Record: 6-10