God Heals Kitna While Thousands Die

In a rare lapse in judgment, God admitted He made a mistake Sunday by answering Detroit Lions quarterback Jon Kitna's prayers to return to his team's overtime victory against the Minnesota Vikings.

While God was tending to the mediocre QB, thousands around the world fell victim to deaths that could have been prevented by His divine intervention. Kitna left the game in the second quarter after suffering a concussion, but was able to return after The Almighty personally healed him just in time for the fourth quarter of the pivotal division game.

"Looking back it probably was not the best use of My time or powers," God said. "But listen, every prayer is answered in its own way. Jon prays a lot, more than even the average nun- everything from 'Dear God, please watch over your servant while I smell this milk to make sure it's still good' or 'Dear God, make me an instrument of peace while I fill up my Astro van.' So in an effort to maybe slow his constant stream of prayers, I threw him a bone. Sure a few people perished in the meantime, but ask my boy Jesus what our motto is up here: 'if you wanna make an omelet you gotta crack a few eggs.'"

God dismissed claims of favoritism and threatened to smite any reporters who dared suggest it in their columns, threatening eternal damnation and an afterlife spent listening to Stuart Scott call WNBA highlights. He was also asked why He didn't heal more talented quarterbacks, like Troy Aikman and Steve Young, when concussions forced them to retire from football. God said the answers were "quite simple really. Steve Young is a descendant of that pagan Brigham Young and in Aikman's case, I hate the Cowboys."

Kitna calls his recovery a "miracle" and insists that it will only serve to strengthen his faith. "God chose me for a reason," Kitna said. "And I really have to think that reason is the crucifix hats I wear after every game."