Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Your 2007 PRAY FOR MOJO Professional Tackle Football Preview (NFC North/South Edition)

From the east coast to the west coast, down the Dixie Highway and back home, this is our country. And if there's one thing our country loves more than cheeseburgers or freedom it's football. So today, as the 2007 NFL season gets set to kick off, PRAY FOR MOJO has all the uniformed, partisan information you need to mouth off like an ass on Sundays. We're going to keep each team's preview short and sweet, just the facts of what to expect this year. But make no mistake, PRAY FOR MOJO is THE definitive source for NFL information you won't get anywhere else. Basically, I could kick John Clayton's ass, probably:

NFC NORTH
1. Chicago Bears: The Bears again win the division, but after another season in which his defense compensates for his numerous mistakes, Rex Grossman reveals that, like former number one pick Tim Couch, he too was taking steroids. Steroid dealers quickly do damage control, releasing a statement saying "any athletes that suck and claim to have taken steroids, including Rex Grossman, Tim Couch and Neifi Perez, are lying. Steroids make you a superstar like Barry Bonds and improve your chances with members of the opposite sex. Keep using kids."

'07 Record: 11-5

2. Green Bay Packers: Brett Favre breaks three more passing records held by Dan Marino, but it's still not enough to get the Pack into the playoffs. However, the records coupled with the fact that Favre won a Super Bowl serve as more ammunition to really get Marino to spaz out one day.
'07 Record: 8-8


3. Detroit Lions: The Lions only get half way to quarterback Jon Kitna's preseason prediction of 10 wins, but General Manager Matt Millen, the Wayne Fontes of GMs, is still not fired. "Matt's going to get this turned around in the next couple years," Lions owner William Clay Ford said. "There's a couple of really good wideouts coming out in next year's draft and, as long as we can snag one of them, I think we'll have that big missing piece of our receiving puzzle and we'll have only wasted six drafts to find him."

'07 Record: 5-11

4. Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings play so poorly offensively that fans long for a sex boat scandal to distract them or, more surprisingly, the latter days of Brad Johnson. While they had no chance of a division title the Vikings maintain a stranglehold on the award for worst uniforms in the league.
'07 Record: 5-11

NFC SOUTH
1. New Orleans Saints: In an effort to maintain their status as America's darlings the Saints lay the charm on thick, even going so far as to cook America a candlelit dinner. But the Saints come on too strong and America is turned off. They break off contact, but the Saints see America out at a bar a few weeks later with a new guy. The Saints are devastated and plummet into a midseason depression that almost costs them the division. Only a wild night out in the French Quarter saves their season, and their libido.
'07 Record: 11-5

2. Carolina Panthers: The Panthers are in such desperate need of a second receiving option opposite Steve Smith that the team posts bail for convict Rae Carruth. Carruth is released and immediately becomes quarterback Jake Delhomme's 2nd favorite target without even threatening to kill him. He catches 15 balls for three touchdowns in the team's final five games. The move is widely criticized, but Carolina points to its nine wins as all the proof they need to deem it the right move.

'07 Record: 9-7

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A QB carousel hinders the Bucs chance at respectability. Head coach Jon Gruden starts 16 different quarterbacks throughout the season and breaks each one down mentally and emotionally before, during and after the games, and all on only 10 hours of total sleep all season. "I've got to take my anger out on somebody, who better than Bruce Gradkowski?" Gruden said.
'07 Record: 5-11

4. Atlanta Falcons: Joey Harrington puts together the best season of his career, playing inspired football on his way to a line of 1,700 yards, seven touchdowns, 22 interceptions and six fumbles lost. The 28 turnovers are a career low for Harrington and he hopes his performance ensures him another year as the team's starting QB. "I think I really showed what I can do out there," he said. Coach Bobby Petrino said he couldn't guarantee Harrington anything, but he was encouraged by the fact that "Joey probably won't kill puppies."
'07 Record: 3-13