Selig Burned at the Stake for Practicing Witchcraft With His 'Magic Numbers'

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was burned at the stake Wednesday after an unfortunately timed speaking engagement in Salem, Massachusetts erupted into chaos as a result of Selig's theories on the pennant races and various teams' "magic numbers."

"HE'S A WITCH, BURN HIM," an angry crowd yelled as they pulled Selig off stage and tied him to a large wooden post. The mob then held a lengthy discussion on whether he would technically be considered a warlock because he is male, but then decided to just stick with "witch" as a universal term for those who engage in the occult.

Several eyewitnesses accused Selig of practicing his perverted brand of witchcraft on their offspring, goats and livestock in addition to spreading supernatural propaganda in his speech about the "magic numbers." The commissioner flatly denied all charges as he was tied up.

"I'm telling you people magic numbers are just the number of games a division leader must win and/or the second place team must lose in order for the first place team to clinch the division title," Selig said. "I've never met any of you before, nor have I been anywhere near your children or animals. I don't know where you got these ideas, but this is crazy. I was just talking about baseball, there's nothing paranormal about it."

To which the suspicious Salem residents responded, "BURN HIM!"

"We probably would have heard him out, but we became even more impassioned upon hearing his misguided beliefs," an angry member of the mob said. "When he started saying things like 'cameras do not steal your soul when a photograph is taken' or 'the earth is round' well that's when we knew we had a genuine witch on our hands. And there's only one way deal with witches- fire."

In a final attempt to spare his own life, Selig offered to give the crowd names of other people in baseball that he felt could be witches, such as Donald Fehr and Barry Bonds. The rabble took his suggestions under advisement and then set Selig ablaze. Selig is survived by his wife Sue and their three daughter, all suspected witches.