Reeling Red Sox Sign Ted Williams' Headless Body in Effort to Head Off Surging Yankees

After seeing their once substantial AL East lead dwindle to a game and a half heading into the final week of the regular season, Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein decided it was time to take action, signing the frozen, beheaded body of former Boston great Ted Williams that was being stored at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Arizona. The body will replace the equally lifeless J.D. Drew.

"In all honesty, we should have made this move months ago," Epstein said. "We brought in Ted's body for a try out last week and we were thrilled by what we saw. Despite the fact that he was still thawing out, he looked really spry. He was able to spray the ball to all fields and hit for power, which has been a problem for us this year. At this point there is no tomorrow and with the playoffs right around the corner I wanted to address any and all weaknesses head on."

Epstein also said he is not concerned about Williams' lack of a skull freaking out his teammates. "Once you're around him for a half hour you forget about it, he just becomes one of the guys" he said. "Plus you just listen to him talk about hitting and watch the ease with which he conducts his business. Don't ask me how he's able to do it with no head. I'd think you would need to see the ball, but Ted's one of the all time great hitters and he's not going to let a small setback, like the fact that his head is still frozen in a separate facility in Scottsdale, keep him from doing what he does best."

Epstein wouldn't discuss a previous report in the New York Post suggesting the Yankees were close to signing the body, only saying that he had not heard about the article and it was not a factor in the haste with which Williams' body was signed.

"We got him signed quickly because he can help this team offensively while providing solid veteran leadership," Epstein said. "He embodies what a baseball player should be. The team's been running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off this last month and I think Ted will be a really calming influence, especially when the pressure is ratcheted up in October. The guy's got ice water in his veins...no seriously, the blood in his circulatory system has been replaced with freezing cold water. "