Lazy NCAA Selection Committee Admits They Just Copied Teams from 'Bracketology'

One day after completing another seemingly complicated seeding process, the members of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Selection Committee admitted they just looked at ESPN.com's Bracketology feature and filled out their brackets ten minutes before they were due. With the business of seeding the teams out of the way, much of the committee's meeting time was spent playing Wii and making prank phone calls, among other things.

"Basically, we just looked at what that Joe Lunardi had and changed around a couple of the seeds so that it didn't look too obvious," Max Strom, chairman of the tournament committee said. "Little trick I learned in college. If you're going to cheat, you gotta switch some answers to ensure you get them wrong. That way the teacher won't have any reason to confront you afterward. Hey, how else was I going to pass accounting?"

"That pumpkin head does all the leg work for us and we just hang out. I was usually in the back on the Gazelle and I had my headphones in so I'd just kinda zone out, you know? Then we'd order Thai food and go home early. Anyway, I just heard that sweaty little ball of cheesesteak grease starts his projections for the next season as soon as each year's tourney ends. That's great news! Looks like I can schedule a little vacay next March. Hell, the way I see it, I've earned it. There's always time to pursue this committee's other endeavors."

When pressed as to what those other endeavors were Strom declined to comment, but one committee member, speaking on condition of anonymity, revealed that members were trying to catch up on the seasons of "Friends" on DVD as well as complete a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. "It's a glow-in-the-dark wild stallion puzzle," the source confirmed.

While it was unclear how many years this method has been in practice, it was clear that it was a system that NCAA committee members would be using in the future. Most said it allowed them to grab a refreshing afternoon power nap and catch up on some reading. They even formed a book club.

"I don't know anything about any puzzles or naps or book clubs," Strom said. "I tried to use the time more constructively. The other day I spent six hours trying to fling a whole deck of cards into a hat with varying levels of success. I'll tell ya, without that pear-shaped loser's projections I don't know what we'd do. They're imperative for us to be able to focus on the other business at hand. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Pilates class to attend."

Rays Owner Won't Hesitate to Sell Tropicana Field Naming Rights

Tampa Bay Rays owner Stuart Sternberg became the second Major League Baseball team owner in a week to announce that he wouldn't have any qualms about selling his team's stadium naming rights. Chicago Cubs owner Sam Zell had also said he would not hesitate to sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field, but that announcement has been dwarfed by the controversial bombshell dropped by Sternberg on the Tampa/St. Petersburg metropolitan area Thursday.

"To be honest, I'm not interested in the opinion of the baseball purists on this," Sternberg said. "When I bought this franchise I was not given a discount because of the worldwide name recognition of Tropicana Field. I need to look out for me and my financial investment, not baseball's old boy's club. I understand that the hundreds of Rays fans around the state maybe upset, but I can promise that the revenue earned from a name change will be pumped back into the team so we can continue to develop troubled, young talent that most likely will not pan out."

Sternberg would not comment on possible suitors, but a source close to the situation said a variety of fruit juice companies, including Welch's, Mott's, Juicy Juice and POM, are engaged in an all out bidding war. "This could raise the profile of cran-apple juice throughout the world to a level we never dreamed possible," one Ocean Spray executive said.

A "Save Tropicana" rally was planned in downtown St. Petersburg for Saturday, but was later canceled due to a previously scheduled Hanah Montana concert. Rays fan Doug Kelker, however, vows not to go down without a fight.

"Sure, first it's just the naming rights," Kelker said. "But next they're going to say they need to add more lights so people can see the game or expose the stadium to open air, it's crazy. Have you ever tried to sit outside in Tampa, Florida and enjoy yourself? It's impossible. Plus, you can't just screw with history. I saw Tanyon Sturtze allow 33 home runs and 271 hits here in 2002. And I saw Jonny Gomes get hit by 14 pitches in 2005. I saw all of those things, with my own eyes. And I saw them at a place called Tropicana Field. Please don't take that away from us."

Your Dad Named Manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers

After going back and forth trying to choose between a photo where he's pissing with his hand up on the wall and another, Sports Illustrated felt secure in the fact that they made the right call by going with this, the most tasteful and flattering Joe Torre picture to which they could gain access, to set up a story about his new digs:

I imagine this is exactly how he walks around his house, only in a spaghetti stained wife-beater and poo streaked tighty whiteys.

Pro Bowl Draws Ratings Comparable to Those of 'Blossom' Finale

In what can only be described as a banner month for the NFL in terms of television ratings, the annual Pro Bowl game was played in front of its widest viewing audience in history Sunday just one week after Super Bowl XLII was viewed by nearly 100 million people, second all-time to the finale of M.A.S.H. Early industry estimates are putting the overnight ratings for the 2008 Pro Bowl on par with those of the 1995 series finale of "Blossom."

"What can I say except maybe, 'Whoa,'" NFL spokesman Bob Larkin said. "Get it? 'Whoa!' Like Joey Lawrence used to say on 'Blossom' whenever a whacky situation presented itself. Of course, he also said it when very serious situations presented themselves. Or when very sad situations presented themselves. Or when it seemed the writers thought he hadn't spoken in a while and wanted to get him involved. Well, anyway, the point is these incredible Pro Bowl ratings make me say 'Whoa!'"

Larkin went on to suggest that this may not even be the high point for the league post Super Bowl. He believes 2008 preseason games could draw numbers equivalent to the premier of "Emeril" the sitcom and he expects the scouting combine to draw "'George Lopez' like audiences."

For her part, Blossom herself was none too pleased with the ratings of her greatest professional success being matched by the football all-star game. Mayim Bialik has vowed not to rest until "Blossom" again stands alone as the 936th most watched program in American history.

"Maybe we'll have to bring back 'Blossom' for a 'very special episode,'" Bialik said. "I still keep in contact with Six, I'm sure she'd be in. How would the NFL like that? We'd blow them out of the water. Think of all the sensitive subjects effecting teenage girls that we could tackle in a caring and important way. There's sex and condoms and venereal disease. Plus, I could definitely still do period drama. Not like time periods, I'm talking about menstruation. You name it, I'll do it. Whatever it takes to take down the NFL and take back what is rightfully Blossom's."

GREAT NEWS!

The writers' strike is over! Finally, I can get back to work! That's right, these ridiculously long periods of time in between updates here at PRAY FOR MOJO have been an act of solidarity with my Hollywood brethren*. Well now it's over and I can get back to giving you the mildly amusing sports satire and commentary that you sometimes come to this site to find. I want to thank everyone that has sent me their thoughts and letters of support during this down time. All six of you are very near and dear to me. So now, with only minimal further ado, there should be an update later today. After that, who knows. PRAY FOR MOJO fever- catch it, again!

*Delays have not actually been the result of an act of solidarity.

Boston, New York Excited to Finally Get Some Media Attention

With Super Bowl XLII a little under two weeks away, the cities of Boston and New York are abuzz about the attention their sleepy little burgs are likely to garner as a result of their hometown teams participating in the big game. The New York Giants and New England Patriots will square off for the Lombardi Trophy, but to residents of these Anytown, USAs, just getting the word out about their town is reward enough for them.

"It's just going to be nice to turn on the news or SportsCenter and hear people talking about little old us," one New Yorker said. "We're a simple people, we lead simple lives. You know, just because we don't have the money to own the team like those people in Green Bay doesn't mean we're not as passionate. We do what we can with what we've got and I'd say we do pretty well. Perhaps with a little more attention this city can even generate some tourism and revenue and do better than ever before."

Bostonians shared that same general sentiment, with many saying that their recent run of unprecedented dominance in nearly all major professional sports has not been the boon for their city's fortunes that many would have expected.

"Maybe we can get to the point where Boston sports are given equal time," one Patriots fan said. "My friends think I'm crazy, but I think we can get there. We're just like anyone else, we appreciate attention and accolades. I'd say we've earned it. Hopefully this run by the Pats will wake some people up over at ESPN, show them there's more interesting stuff out there than just MLS and NHL."

For their part, ESPN says in the lead up to the Super Bowl they will do their best to give New York and New England teams the attention they deserve, but not to the detriment of the other sports and events that make the network so popular.

"We want to congratulate Boston and New York and let them know that we share their excitement when it comes to their city's role in this truly global event," ESPN director of programming Michael Logsdon said. "However, while we will focus the appropriate attention on each city's team, we will not do so by compromising the relationships we have built with so many other sports and their fans as well. I want to make it clear that every World's Strongest Man competition from the last 27 years will continue to be shown in their entirety. And to all the poker fans out there- we will continue to devote the requisite five hours per day to the exciting card playing action to which they've become accustomed."

THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES: Sir Edmund Hillary

Every week on PRAY FOR MOJO we conduct "The Airing of Grievances." We've got a lot of problems with you people, now you're going to hear about it:

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to ever climb Mt. Everest, died last Thursday. He was 88. And while now is a time for his friends and family to remember a loved one, a loved one who also happened to accomplish something extraordinary that made his name known throughout the world, it is also a time to tell the truth. I regretfully think it's necessary, as admiration for Hillary rushes in like so much blood to an erection, to pour ice water down the collective pants of everyone to calm them down.

Sir Edmund climbed Mt. Everest first, and that's great. And while it is pretty amazing that he was able to climb such an imposing mountain without the aid of a snack bar that helps unleash the awesome power of apples, I can't get past the fact that everyone else wants to tell you how much harder it was for him that day in 1953 then it is for climbers now. Well, I want to tell you how much easier it was. Some argue that Hillary had to carry heavier oxygen tanks, and more of them, than climbers today. If the numerous oxygen tanks he carried were indeed much heavier, then it stands to reason that they were so because they were filled with so much more oxygen. Hence, creating a surplus and all but eliminating the altitude issue.

It's not the fact that Hillary was probably breathing comfortably throughout his climb that bothers me most. It's the fact that he was probably breathing comfortably and was not even the least bit disabled. No self inflicted loss of limbs, no asthma, he wasn't blind, he wasn't gay, nothing. So while Hillary deserves to rest in peace, we need to see the man for who he was: just another straight climber with good vision. That's right, gay = disability in the mountain climbing business. Ask any Sherpa. And I can only assume that's the reason you never hear about the countless failed gay climbers- because if one was successful it would be big news. And if that gay climber happened to also be blind? Then they would be the greatest hero of all:

Bonus: The same video, but with the gay/blind climber's reaction.