In an unprecedented turn of events for a Major League Baseball Team, every offensive starter for the San Francisco Giants announced that this will be his final season Thursday. The Giants will become the first team in baseball history to not return one starter as first baseman Ryan Klesko, 36, second baseman Ray Durham, 35, shortstop Omar Vizquel, 40, third baseman Rich Aurilia, 36, catcher Bengie Molina, 34, and outfielders Randy Winn, 34, Dave Roberts, 35, and Barry Bonds, 43, have all decided to hang it up citing everything from osteoporosis to restless leg syndrome. "I'm tired, and my feet hurt, and I think that Chinese clubhouse attendant is stealing from me, and I'm tired, and I want my pills," Vizquel said before trailing off and turning to yell at the grounds crew to "get off his lawn!"
Giants GM Brian Sabean said the widespread retirements took him by surprise. "I'm shocked," Sabean said. "I though each of these guys had at least another two to three years left in them, except for Barry, of course. Yeah, all those 'roids really did a number on his body after a while, but it was worth it. America loves him and man, we had some good times."
Sabean said he "wouldn't and couldn't" comment on how he plans to counteract this mass exodus, but he guaranteed the Giants would be a big player in the free agent market, handing out exorbitant contracts that overvalue declining players. Sources close to the Giants say Sabean already has his short list of players he'd love to sign to multi-year, long-term contracts in '08, including Julio Franco, Roger Clemens and Jesse Orosco.
"These guys are in the prime of their careers," Sabean said. "What kind of GM would I be if I didn't take a look at every player. I'm not just going to sit back and watch the Yankees sign every decrepit, walking corpse that still thinks they can play baseball. We're trying to win a championship here."
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