Moss' Transcendent Year Proves What a Lazy Asshole He Was the Past Few Seasons

After amassing 732 yards receiving to go with ten touchdowns in his first seven games as a New England Patriot, Randy Moss has proved his detractors wrong, showing he hasn't lost a step as many pundits had predicted. He has also proved his detractors right by proving he hasn't lost a step and is therefore just the lazy, selfish jerk they had accused him of being the past few years.

"In all my years of videotaping players I've never seen a receiver playing this well," head coach Bill Belichick said. "Before we traded for him we wanted to be sure we knew exactly what kind of guy he was, so we went back and consulted all the tape we had on him, plus we started secretly taping him off the field to be sure we got an accurate read on him and knew his tendencies. What we saw was enough to convince us to pull the trigger. However, even an all-knowing being like me didn't realize what I was getting. I cannot recall a player proving all of his detractors right and wrong at the same time. And it's all thanks to me, I made this happen! It's unprecedented- there's no precedent, baby!"

Moss calls the last two seasons in Oakland "just a phase, like going through puberty or going on a killing spree." He claims he was always capable of this level of play, but just didn't do it for the Raiders because his stint there happened to fall during an extended period of time when he didn't feel like playing. Moss only plays when he wants to play, thus explaining his previous subpar numbers.

Moss' teammates don't see the monster they had heard so much about before he arrived in New England. They call him everything from "the perfect teammate" to "a leader" to "the Southern Dandy."

"It's almost like no matter where the ball is, Randy will catch it," quarterback Tom Brady said. "He's unbelievable. I'm glad we got him. It's too bad for Oakland they couldn't find a quarterback to throw the ball 50 yards downfield into double coverage because that's where he excels. Even a guy like Kerry Collins or Jeff George would've been great there because it requires little to no skill to throw to Randy as long as he's willing to put out the effort to go get the ball."

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Your 2007 PRAY FOR MOJO Professional Tackle Football Preview (AFC East/West Edition)

From the east coast to the west coast, down the Dixie Highway and back home, this is our country. And if there's one thing our country loves more than cheeseburgers or freedom it's football. So today, as the 2007 NFL season gets set to kick off, PRAY FOR MOJO has all the uniformed, partisan information you need to mouth off like an ass on Sundays. We're going to keep each team's preview short and sweet, just the facts of what to expect this year. But make no mistake, PRAY FOR MOJO is THE definitive source for NFL information you won't get anywhere else. Basically, I could kick John Clayton's ass, probably:

AFC EAST
1. New England Patriots: Showing that patented Tom Terrific golden touch, Tom Brady cures AIDS, invents time travel and heals the wounds of his injured teammates all while leading the Patriots to a division title. But the Pats run for another Super Bowl title is cut short when a vengeful God, angry after seeing the golden statue of Brady Bostonians have constructed, smites the city, unleashing so many plagues of locusts and floods that even Brady is powerless to stop Him.

'07 Record: 13-3

2. New York Jets: Like all geniuses, the Mangenius is an often misunderstood, eccentric fellow who can be too smart for his own good. Sometimes his intelligence makes him seem aloof to his players and team chemistry is effected, consequently endangering the Jets playoff chances. However, quality, classy quarterback Chad Pennington is not a thrower, he's a passer and he refuses to let the team give up whether a certain franchise legend cares about them struggling or not.
'07 Record: 10-6

3. Buffalo Bills: The development of J.P. Losman stalls when coach Dick Jauron institutes the old K-gun offense of the early 90s Bills. After the team struggles to find a QB to run the no-huddle style offense, GM Marv Levy realizes the Bills have but one place to turn to save their season. The Bills sign QB Bills and proceed to win their final eight games by an average of 65 points.
'07 Record: 8-8


4. Miami Dolphins: Criticized for selecting wideout Ted Ginn Jr. with the ninth pick of the draft, the Dolphins get the last laugh. Ginn misses most of the year after reaggravating the same foot injury he sustained celebrating in last year's National Championship game and hence does not put up the sub par stats and cannot make the countless route running mistakes many pundits had predicted.

'07 Record: 5-11

AFC WEST
1. San Diego Chargers: Shawne Merriman's backne, wild mood swings and sudden hair loss arouse suspicion among teammates and NFL higher-ups that he is again taking steroids. In response, Merriman does his popular "Lights Out" dance. Merriman is promptly awarded the Defense Player of the Year award and is named to his third Pro Bowl.
'07 Record: 12-4

2. Denver Broncos: The Broncos' season is derailed when Maury Povich confronts running back Travis Henry mid-game with numerous paternity test results. Henry admits that he has made some mistakes, but explains that he's just looking for love in all the wrong places. But the explanation falls on deaf ears and Henry is suspended under the NFL's new, stricter bastard child rules, costing the Broncos a chance at the division.
'07 Record: 9-7

3. Kansas City Chiefs: Around midseason the Chiefs forget why you play the game. Head coach Herm Edwards is spending so much time perfecting his renowned clock management skills and figuring out how to end Larry Johnson's career by age 28 that by the time he realizes it, KC is out of playoff contention.
'07 Record: 6-10

4. Oakland Raiders: Sixteen-year-old head coach Lane Kiffin's voice changes at the worst possible time- as he's delivering an impassioned halftime speech- and Raiders players can't help but laugh at his expense. The team plays poorly as Kiffin goes through many more growing pains in his first season as head coach, including hair growing in places it had never grown before and the Raiderettes, whom he had previously thought had cooties, suddenly looking much more interesting to him.

'07 Record: 4-12

Brady, Leinart Suspended For Having Babies Out of Wedlock

Citing more stringent player conduct policies and a desire to keep his tough guy image in tact, first year NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended quarterbacks Tom Brady of the New England Patriots and Matt Leinart of the Arizona Cardinals for the 2007 season Monday. Brady and Leinart have made headlines recently for each having a son with their respective ex-girlfriends.

"I've spoken to Tom and Matt and they both understand that their conduct has been unacceptable," Goodell said. "These two are the handsomest quarterbacks this league has and we can't have them out there planting their seed all over town. Our female fan base wants to think they have a chance with these two hunks and running around having illegitimate children with hot chicks is not helping foster those illusions."

When asked if the punishments would have been more severe had the mothers not been so attractive Goodell responded, "Absolutely."

"I suggest female football fans focus their infatuations on one of our other quarterbacks to get through this season's Sundays spent on the couch with their slob husband or boyfriend," Goodell said. "We've got some really attractive up and comers like Tony Romo and Brady Quinn or there's always old favorites like Brett Favre and Trent Green. Yes, they're both still in the league."