Moss' Transcendent Year Proves What a Lazy Asshole He Was the Past Few Seasons

After amassing 732 yards receiving to go with ten touchdowns in his first seven games as a New England Patriot, Randy Moss has proved his detractors wrong, showing he hasn't lost a step as many pundits had predicted. He has also proved his detractors right by proving he hasn't lost a step and is therefore just the lazy, selfish jerk they had accused him of being the past few years.

"In all my years of videotaping players I've never seen a receiver playing this well," head coach Bill Belichick said. "Before we traded for him we wanted to be sure we knew exactly what kind of guy he was, so we went back and consulted all the tape we had on him, plus we started secretly taping him off the field to be sure we got an accurate read on him and knew his tendencies. What we saw was enough to convince us to pull the trigger. However, even an all-knowing being like me didn't realize what I was getting. I cannot recall a player proving all of his detractors right and wrong at the same time. And it's all thanks to me, I made this happen! It's unprecedented- there's no precedent, baby!"

Moss calls the last two seasons in Oakland "just a phase, like going through puberty or going on a killing spree." He claims he was always capable of this level of play, but just didn't do it for the Raiders because his stint there happened to fall during an extended period of time when he didn't feel like playing. Moss only plays when he wants to play, thus explaining his previous subpar numbers.

Moss' teammates don't see the monster they had heard so much about before he arrived in New England. They call him everything from "the perfect teammate" to "a leader" to "the Southern Dandy."

"It's almost like no matter where the ball is, Randy will catch it," quarterback Tom Brady said. "He's unbelievable. I'm glad we got him. It's too bad for Oakland they couldn't find a quarterback to throw the ball 50 yards downfield into double coverage because that's where he excels. Even a guy like Kerry Collins or Jeff George would've been great there because it requires little to no skill to throw to Randy as long as he's willing to put out the effort to go get the ball."