America Screwed As God Retracts His Blessing Due to Yankees Loss

America was dealt a serious blow to its safety Monday as God announced the country no longer had His blessing. The New York Yankees' elimination from the playoffs means there is no longer a team willing to forgo the traditional seventh inning stretch in favor of "God Bless America," therefore leaving God no choice but to bestow His blessings elsewhere.

"It's a tough decision, but one that had to be made," God said. "The Yankees have gone out of their way to plead for Me to bless America so many times and I've grown so accustomed to it that this is really a huge blow to America. However, I'm not going to just bless America if no one else is willing ask. And even if another team does get up the courage to ask I can't guarantee anything. Let's just say a team like the Rockies, for instance, don't exactly have the same pull with the Heavenly Father. The rest of baseball, and America for that matter, is just not entitled to the same divine treatment as the New York Yankees. That's a fact."

God said He will continue to keep a watchful eye on specific people in America, like Jon Kitna and Tony Dungy, but the country as a whole can no longer take His protection for granted. He also said the Yankees years of persistence are what really paid off.

"They've made sure that they continue to sing the song even now that it's gotten to the point of being artificial and contrived," God said. "They even continue to trot out that guy who sings like a muppet, it's quite impressive. The Yankees are My favorite earthly team since the 12 Apostles, so when they ask for something I'm obviously more inclined to listen. It's too bad, but blame the Cleveland Indians, America. You're now more susceptible to Satan than ever and I cannot promise I'll get involved. At least, not until I hear from the Yankees again."