Jones Was Wondering Why She Grew Testicles

Add Marion Jones to the growing list of athletes that have been tricked into cheating. Jones was the victim of the old flaxseed oil trick, the same trick that befell Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and every cyclist ever. Where she believed she was injecting flaxseed oil into her butt like any normal person, Jones had the old switcheroo pulled on her and was instead given anabolic steroids.

"It's frustrating because I worked so hard and surrounded myself with such trustworthy people," she said. "But I knew something was going on when I noticed my testicles. Those had never been there before. Sure I had a penis, but testes? Absolutely not."

Jones was forced to give back three gold and two bronze medals from the 2000 Sydney Olympic games, but she said the greatest indignity was wearing those tight spandex running shorts with her new crotch buddies. Jones' teammates also noticed a change in her, but they are angry with the suggestion that they should give back their medals, too.

"Marion has the balls, not me," Jones' Relay teammate Jean Miles-Clark said. "Don't punish the innocent people in this, punish the people who grew testicles to gain an unfair advantage. Yes, she started always scratching and adjusting herself and it became a huge distraction, but it wasn't our place ask. My job was to take the baton from her, not to ask if she had a baton in her pants."

Jones faces jail time for lying to a grand jury about her use of performance enhancers, though it has not been determined whether she will be held in a female or male prison. Either way she has vowed to make amends any way she can.

"I am so embarrassed," she said. "Not only have I let my friends, family and teammates down, but now I have full male genitalia. Needless to say I made some poor decisions that I'd like to be able to take back. But I'm a strong person and I'll continue to fight through this. I plan to travel the country teaching young girls the dangers of taking flaxseed oil. Hopefully that way no other little girls will ever have to deal with this. Because if I can prevent just one girl from growing unwanted gonads, then I'll have made a difference."