Report: NHL Season Underway

According to numerous sources, an organized professional ice hockey league has begun playing games in an attempt to gain acceptance, viewers and revenue. The league, which refers to itself as the "National Hockey League" or "NHL" for short, is believed to have begun playing games nearly two weeks ago, although due to a lack of eye witnesses that date cannot be confirmed.

Federal investigators and numerous law enforcement agencies are keeping a watchful eye on the underground organization. They believe the "NHL" is waging a clandestine campaign to "Canadian-ize" America.

"If these perverts get their way we'll all be missing front teeth and sporting mullets," one officer said. "A lot of these Canadians are just French people looking for easy access to maple syrup. Sure they act polite, but the second you turn around they'll use the Canadian Flag pin on their backpack to stab you in the back. Well I'll be damned if I'm going to allow someone to come into my country and tell me that ham is bacon. I refuse to look like Barry Melrose."

As far as authorities can tell the "NHL" has been operating amid an overwhelming feeling of indifference and irrelevance for quite some time, but that has not stopped their leader, a man by the name of Gary Bettman who claims to be the "commissioner" of the league, from continuing to extol the league's virtues and attempting to brainwash an unsuspecting contingent of curious onlookers. While he has assured the public that his intentions are genuine, authorities believe Bettman is a danger to himself and others.

"We're just trying to put together an entertaining product that our loyal fans can continue to enjoy," Bettman said. "All while giving any new fans, especially those who are looking for something new and worthwhile to give their earthly life meaning, an accessible form of family entertainment...and possibly a free ride on a spaceship to eternal life. You didn't hear that from me. Come join us America, you won't be sorry."

"Call me crazy, but that sounds like crazy talk," one official said. "We're watching this character closely and we're ready to pounce, Elian Gonzalez style, at the first sign of trouble. I don't care if they do have a cool trophy, these guys have used up all their second chances. The second we see these people putting on matching black Nike high-tops, we're moving in."