Ravens in Shambles as Stover Shows Up With His Hair A Mess

The Baltimore Ravens locker room was shaken to its core Tuesday as their best offensive player, kicker Matt Stover, came to practice without his trademark part. Many Ravens players were noticeably upset, including team captain and Pro Bowl linebacker Ray Lewis, who viewed Stover's well-defined part as a gift from God and a team unifier that should not be trifled with.

"I could just kill Matt," Lewis said. "Everyone in here loved that part and the fact that he showed up without it shows a real lack of concern for his teammates, and that includes God. I should know, for I am His linebacker and He works through me, that's why I'm such a good dancer. I really believe Matt's part was heaven sent. And now that it's gone this locker room's like a morgue, there's guys crying at their lockers right now. He should really think about wetting a comb and running it through his hair right now."

Head Coach Brian Billick was angry that his best offensive weapon put himself above the team and he would not rule out a fine or suspension to send a message to Stover.

"I spend an hour each day just looking in the mirror, admiring myself," Billick said. "I wouldn't be the genius I am today if I didn't always take a little time for me. Matt needs to learn to do that if he ever hopes to be as smart or good looking as that guy I see every morning in the mirror. I'm fantastic."

Stover said he had no idea that his part was so important to so many people and that he never meant any harm.

"I just got up late this morning and didn't have the appropriate time to devote to properly combing my hair," the kicker said. "If I had known people were going to be sobbing like this I suppose I would've shown up late and just paid the fine in order to avoid all of this. We just came off a big win, I was named team offensive player of the week for the fifth time this season and now we're completely down. I feel terrible, but I never would have expected that all of these giant black guys that don't talk to me cared so much about my part."