Joba Chamberlain Still Finding Bugs in His Neck Rolls

New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain thought the days of insects making a home in his neck fat were over. After being swarmed by tiny bugs in game two of the ALDS in Cleveland, Chamberlain sleeps in bed surrounded by a net and rarely leaves his house without covering himself in a mixture of DEET and citronella oil. However, over a month later, he has made a shocking discovery.

"There are still bugs living in my rolls," the rotund reliever said. "I think they've taken up permanent residence because it's warm in there and they'll never run out of food, but I'm not OK with this. It's embarrassing and, frankly, it's not fair. I feel like the bugs just targeted me and my teammates. It's almost as if the Indians weren't the slightest bit effected by them. I didn't see any of them bitching, moaning, complaining that the game should be delayed or threatening to file a complaint with the commissioner's office. They just continued to play. What the hell is that all about? I think the headline on ESPN.com after the game said it best: 'Bugs get the best of Joba, Yankees.' Not 'Indians outplay Yankees' or 'Indians are better than Yankees.' It was the bugs that doomed us, not the team that won 96 games."

Chamberlain says he finds between 10-15 of the bugs called "Canadian Soldiers" per day living in the various rolls on his body, mostly in his neck. He wouldn't go so far as to blame the Indians for the insect invasion, but he did say that he found it suspicious.

"The Yankees are as American as pizza or The Beatles," he said. "So you see why I would find it suspicious that these bugs, these "Canadian Soldiers" if you will, would see fit to attack just the guys in pinstripes. If we had been prepared for the attack we could have easily been ready, but the Indians and their friends preferred to use guerrilla tactics. Doesn't surprise me. Clevelanders are destructive. I went to college with some guys from Cleveland and they were not to be trusted. These idiots actually destroyed their own house, almost burned it down. So if these people are willing to do that to their own personal property, then why wouldn't they be willing to form an alliance with Canada and stage and attack on America, aka the New York Yankees?"