Thanksgiving- a time for people everywhere to get together with friends and family to feast and celebrate the pilgrims giving Native Americans small-pox infected blankets. But some people, the "powers that be" if you will, don't want you to celebrate. They want you to avoid eating your weekly intake of fat and calories in one day. Well I for one won't stand for it! America, there's a war on Thanksgiving and we need you on the front lines. The call is from heroism, will you accept the charges?The enemy I speak of are those in charge of big name retailers like Wal-Mart and Mom and Pop's Christmas tree farm on route 48. These people want you to forget about giving thanks and start giving them money. The second Halloween ends the tinsel is out in full force and the Christmas rush is on. They put out their holiday displays and tout the arrival of their drunken Chris Cringle on November first. All the while America's greatest holiday is largely ignored.
Thanksgiving is by far the greatest holiday, perhaps the greatest day period, of the year. Although getting together with one's family is not a positive for all, it is a day of great food and football. There are no gifts to buy or turtle necks to return. You wake up, you watch football, then you eat and drink for about three hours and then you waddle off to bed in a tryptophan induced haze. Sounds pretty good, right?
Well if stores like Wal-Mart get their way, the only organized celebration you'll be having this winter will involve stockings and NBA basketball. Any person in their right mind would chose NFL over NBA. Unlike NFLers, NBA players are thugs and they're constantly involved in off-court issues. Meanwhile, using the United Way commercials I see during telecasts of their games as a gauge, NFL players spend their free time pushing children on swings and handing out free turkeys. Now who do you choose?
This is your call to arms America! Save Thanksgiving from the jowls of Santa Claus and save yourself the horror of a life lived without eating your weight in mashed potatoes. Sure a birthday party for Jesus is fun, but we've done that 2,007 times already. Meanwhile, this is only the 386th Thanksgiving. It's like a brand new shindig. Hence, Thanksgiving is truly our greatest holiday. Please don't ever let it be forgotten.
4 comments:
I heard Jesus doesn't even like all the fuss on his birthday. Also, Jesus must like football more than basketball. I see more prayers on the football field than in church...well, I don't really go to church, but if I did I would sing because he who sings prays twice.
I like Thanksgiving more than Christmas mainly because I am Jewish but also because I don't believe in Jesus...well, I'm not really Jewish but I know a guy who used to date a Jew and then she broke his heart.
Thanksgiving is a disgusting holiday which encourages gluttony, drunkenness and glorifies the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of native americans and completely mischaracterizes history. I am as equally disgusted with the commercialization of Christmas and the desecration of the birth of our lord. Soon all blasphemes will be cast to Hell and Jesus will return with great triumph to judge all before him.
John,
God just called me. He told me to tell you to shutup. Forever.
Sincerely,
St. ICIreton
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