Authorities Warn Bengals, Browns, Steelers Not to Accept Lewis' Invitation To 'Come See Us in Baltimore'

After being embarrassed in three away games in the AFC North, God's Linebacker Ray Lewis invited the opponents that had doled out the beatings to come see he and his Ravens teammates later this season in Baltimore. While the invitation seemed innocent enough, authorities have warned members of the Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers that Lewis' offer is actually a trick, an attempt to lure the teams to an area with which he's familiar with the intention of stabbing them to death when they arrive.

"Cincinnati, Pittsburgh Cleveland- you took care of your business at your house, that's great," Lewis told reporters after a 31 point loss to the Steelers on Monday night. "Now come see us, come see us in Baltimore. We'll be waiting for ya. We'll make you a nice dinner, change the sheets in the guest bedroom and make you feel real comfortable. It should be a really pleasant visit. I just hope nothing unfortunate should happen to you while you're here. That'd be a damn shame, a damn damn shame."

Lewis, a devout Christian who claims to have renounced his previous hard partying, womanizing, murderous lifestyle, also promised to conduct a prayer service if the teams came to visit to pray for those have been or will be the victims of unexplained knife wounds. Former teammate Shannon Sharpe, who has been quick to berate reporters when they dare ask about the linebacker's previous slayings, again sprang to Lewis' defense upon hearing the skepticism of his offer to other teams to come visit Baltimore.

"I wish they knew the Ray I know," Sharpe said. "This man is a good man who has admitted his mistakes and has bought a bunch of triple-breasted, golden colored suits in order to appear less threatening. What more does he have to do? Sure, he has a tendency to get stabby when he doesn't like what's going on around him. That's who he is, that's where he came from. Can't the media accept that and stop making him out to be this violent, knife wielding maniac? He's just a violent maniac, nothing more- he's only actually been caught with a knife once. Leave this man alone."

Authorities however aren't buying the story and they are urging the Bengals, Browns and Steelers to go about their business and pretend they never heard from Lewis. They insist that if the teams are serious about their personal safety they will steer clear of Baltimore all together because Lewis can fly into a homicidal rage and pounce on an unsuspecting target at a moment's notice.

"I've heard stories about him getting pissed at children's birthday parties because he doesn't get the first piece of cake," one law enforcement officer said. "So he grabs the knife and goes to work on the nearest person. From what we understand, it doesn't matter the situation- grocery shopping, car wash, meditation class- he will not hesitate to stab you if he feels threatened. Besides running himself full speed into other people, praying and seizure dancing, stabbing is what he does best. He loves it. I'd suggest that his opponents in the AFC North politely decline his invitation and then stay as far away from this very dangerous man as possible."