Chad Johnson Vows to Play, Do Contrived Celebration to Get Attention This Sunday

After suffering what appeared to be a serious neck injury last Sunday against the Buffalo Bills, Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson has shocked even his teammates by vowing that he will be on the field for this Sunday's matchup with the Baltimore Ravens. However, Johnson surprised nobody with his proclamation that he had an overly planned, tiresome touchdown celebration all ready to go if he found the endzone.

"This is going to be my most vapid celebration yet," Johnson promised. "It's going to take even longer to set up and be even worse than my previous low of pulling a homemade Hall of Fame coat out of a trash bag on the sidelines. I know that was terrible and not even remotely amusing, but this will take things to a new level of meticulously planned, hacky touchdown celebrations."

Johnson's Bengals teammates and coaches said they're not sure what he has planned. While saying that he was not a fan of his colorful wideout's flamboyant dances, Head coach Marvin Lewis would admit to hearing talk of a live chicken, a bucket of mayonnaise and Chinese throwing stars. Also, quarterback Carson Palmer said he heard something about a bulldozer, a minibike and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

Johnson's good friend and fellow wideout T.J. Houshmandzadeh said that Johnson had not even told him what he had planned, but Houshmandzadeh was sure it would be distressingly bad.

"Chad just sits around and writes down touchdown celebrations," Houshmandzadeh said. "There's not an ounce of spontaneity involved. All he does is look at things in the room and think of ways to use it in a celebration. He actually called a moving company to see if they could get his bed on the field once. He was going to grab a cheerleader and have sex with her right there in the endzone. The league caught word of it and put a stop to it, but he's gone quite mad. Also, I've actually scored 10 times this season to Chad's three, but nobody seems to notice that. Meanwhile, Chad puts in his gold teeth and pretends to golf with the pylon and he gets voted into the Pro Bowl. Not that the Pro Bowl matters, but it'd still be nice."