THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES: Philawarepragacago

Every week on PRAY FOR MOJO we conduct "The Airing of Grievances." We've got a lot of problems with you people, now you're going to hear about it:

I'm a person. I grew up in Ohio hating annoying commercials. And now I live in Chicago, but I continue to hate being annoyed. And my brother lives in Denver and he really hates annoying commercials. And I've got a friend in Spain that hates them, too. So I need commercials that aren't going to make me, my family and my friends want to perform full frontal lobotomies on ourselves with a dull knife. That's why I change the channel every time the new AT&T "Philawarepragacago" commercials come on.

These commercials are the television equivalent of gonorrhea in that the burning sensation they cause remains much longer than the initial incident. They're infuriating for so many reasons. Most of all, they're on nonstop, especially during sporting events. They're becoming the new "This is Our Country," just not as funny. At least, the "Our Country" Chevy commercials were so absurd and were on so consistently that you couldn't help but laugh every time they came on. Plus, there's nothing like the use of images of America's failures and embarrassments to really make me feel good about this sweet land of liberty. Reminders of the racial oppression of the 50s and 60s and of our government's inadequate response to Hurricane Katrina fill me with a sense of national pride. Throw in some of these moments and people will be running to enlist. This is ourrrr country...

As far as these AT&T ads go, they don't even elicit a chuckle, especially the "Philawarepragacago" version. Producers were apparently looking for the biggest weenie they could find for the lead role and brother, did they find him. That kid was a great choice- people love smarmy, fidgety weasels. Oh, and how delightful- he's condescending to his parents! Hilarious! Don't even get me started on the other one with the guy in the bolo.

The first time I witnessed these commercials I thought, "They've gone out and hired some poor man's Wes Anderson and asked him to film a bunch of aggravating phone commercials that have a vague resemblance to Anderson's movies." To my shock and horror, the ads resemble Anderson's style because he is in fact the one who wrote and directed all the spots. I understand they probably threw a bunch of money at you, but you're better than that, Wes.

AT&T, like most companies that advertise during sporting events, is trying way too hard with these commercials. Know what's funny and serves as a tolerable diversion while watching a football game? Monkeys. It's not hard, Career Builder figured it out. Bet it didn't take that long either. Attention Corporate America, if you want to see your product really take off get some chimps, dress them up and roll tape. By the time they're done fondling themselves and flinging their feces at each other you should have enough footage to piece together a 30 second spot.