Report: Clemens to Hire Private Eyes to Conduct Own Steroid Investigation, Find the 'Real Killers'

A source close to Roger Clemens has confirmed that the seven-time Cy Young Award winner has hired private investigators in an attempt to challenge the credibility of those accusing him of steroid use. The investigators will also reportedly conduct a thorough inquiry to help find the real killers that murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman 13 and a half years ago. The source says that Clemens fancies himself a champion of truth and justice and the pitcher believes that both the accusation he used performance enhancing drugs and the accusation that O.J. Simpson committed a double murder are groundless assaults on the credibility of two innocent men. Since he was already having the detectives look into his case, Clemens decided to go ahead and have them do some digging in the hopes that he could help put an end to Simpson's tireless quest to regain the public's trust.

Clemens' lawyer Rusty Hardin confirmed that the pitcher had hired private detectives to perform an independent investigation that would clear his client's name. He also confirmed that Clemens had asked the investigators to aid O.J. Simpson's dogged pursuit of the real killers. Both cases, he says, are examples of people's haphazard willingness to jump to conclusions based solely on information they receive from independent, credible sources.

"Roger's upset that people are so quick to believe everything they hear," Hardin said. "These investigators are biased. They're all just trying to uncover facts and find wrongdoing. As a lawyer, I'm shocked by the overwhelming negativity surrounding all of this. Roger doesn't understand what people find so hard to believe about a man in his late 30s suddenly getting stronger and becoming as dominant as he was in his early 20s. Well, I did some research of my own and found out that it's called exercise. It's just a manual activity that develops or maintains physical fitness and overall health. Apparently it's practiced to stimulate and strengthen the body's muscles and cardiovascular system. So there, that's what Roger's been doing- mystery solved."

Hardin also said that Clemens doesn't understand what people find so difficult to believe about the innocence of a man whose car and clothes were covered in blood the morning after his ex-wife and her gentleman caller were murdered. He said there are many similarities between the plights of the two men and he maintains hope that people will "come to their senses" and "welcome these true American heroes back with open arms."

"Don't people want to embrace the greatest pitcher and greatest hitter of their generation, or would they rather get bogged down by lots complicated information and big words they don't understand? Roger has struck out over 4,000 batters, but all anyone wants to talk about are these 'allegations.' It's the same thing with Juice. O.J. was the first running back to rush for 2,000 yard in a season, that's where the focus should be. Not on the supposed bloody, jealous, murderous rampage he went on almost 15 years ago. That's old news. And as far as baseball goes, we need to get the focus back on the game the way it used to be. Baseball is a kids game- and kids are idiots. Really, they'll believe anything you tell them so long as you're a stern looking adult. We suggest people start acting more children."