Steelers Safety Smith Makes Trip to Local Zoo to Taunt the Lions

After his guarantee of victory over the New England Patriots went badly awry, Pittsburgh Steelers safety Anthony Smith needed something to cheer him up. As an animal lover, Smith decided the zoo would help take his mind off football and make him feel better about his embarrassing performance on national TV. However, upon arriving at the zoo, Smith was overwhelmed by the urge to poke and taunt the sleeping lions.

"I don't know why I did it," the second year backup free safety said. "I just have this urge to make situations more difficult and dangerous for myself. I actually bought a hot dog, climbed into the cage and threw it at the largest lion. Then he swatted me to the ground and tried to eat my face. I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen. He was just laying there sleeping, definitely menacing, but not looking to attack by any means, and then I just decided to provoke him. I'm dumb."

Smith miraculously escaped injured, but still alive. He says his memories of the pummeling are hazy at best, but he remembers the lion removing his testicles and showing them to him before he passed out. He was able to escape after a zoo keeper tranquilized the lion and dragged him to safety.

"He was pretty banged up, but other than having his nuts handed to him, he should be fine," the zoo keeper said. "He was lucky, it could have been much worse. If the lions really wanted to embarrass him they could have just tossed him around for an hour or so until they decided they were done with him. I'm not quite sure what would cause a person to put themselves in such a treacherous position, but I guess he thinks very highly of himself. Or at least he did, probably not so much anymore after that beating."

As for the lions, they said they had no idea where Smith came from or why he chose to get in their faces instead of just staying back a safe distance and observing them like everyone else. They said they had no choice but to attack him because, in their society, it is imperative that an intruder be mauled in order to set an example.

"I don't even know who this guy is," dominant male lion Hercules said. "He just came in and started calling us 'bitches' and poking at my balls. I was having a really nice nap, I was dreaming about devouring a zebra AND an antelope, and then I'm awoken by this chump. Well, needless to say I was none too pleased. Now granted, if he was just in the cage not poking or talking shit I probably still would have tried to eat him, but the fact that he thought he was important enough to even open his mouth and try and goad us into something really set me off. I mean, who does that? I'm a fucking LION!"