Falcons' Blank Looking for Someone, Anyone to Push Around in Wheelchair

After failing to land former Steelers head coach Bill Cowher to lead his Atlanta Falcons and being rebuffed by Bill Parcells after offering him the team's vice president of football operations position, Falcons owner Arthur Blank is stepping up his offers in an attempt to increase the appeal of his seemingly toxic franchise. Blank is now offering future candidates his pushing services for free wheelchair rides on and off the field at all Atlanta home games, plus service to and from practice and around the office during regular business hours.

"I do this for all people I'm close to," he said. "Everyone saw me do it for Michael (Vick), that's obviously the most famous example. But I do this for lots of people. When we signed Joey Harrington he came to my house and played jazz piano for my wife and I. To repay him, I pushed him onto the practice field in a wheelchair for a week. It's how I say 'thank you.' When he started to play poorly, I stopped pushing him in the chair. That's how I say 'you've disappointed me greatly.' You know, a little known fact about me is that I've given more wheelchair rides to employees over the years than any other owner in the National Football League. Now, I promise that as long as I'm around, whoever the next coach of the Atlanta Falcons is will never have to use their legs again."

The announcement stirred renewed interest from numerous candidates about the job with a historically downtrodden franchise that was viewed as a dead-end and a possible career ending mistake. Blank wouldn't comment, but a source close to the organization has revealed that a veritabe "who's who" of obese coaches have called to inquire about the position. The list includes Notre Dame's Charlie Weis, Cleveland's Romeo Crennel, Dallas' Wade Phillips, Philadelphia's Andy Reid, the University of Maryland's Ralph Friedgen and, in a surprise candidacy, Saint Louis University head basketball coach Rick Majerus. "Rick couldn't resist the chance to be sitting down for nearly 23 hours a day," Majerus' agent said.

However, the most intense interest has come on the part of Kansas University's Mark Mangino. Mangino has contacted Blank over 40 times since hearing about the offer and has stated that he's willing to work cheap just to get a chance at living out his dream of an almost completely movement free lifestyle.

"I have contacted Arthur and I'm eagerly anticipating his call," Mangino said. "I have stated on numerous occasions that all I need to fulfill my duties is a steady stream of Chick-fil-A and a rag on a stick with which to wash myself. That's it. If you ask me, this is a perfect fit. Mr. Blank is offering the chance to stop using your legs, and I use my legs as seldom as possible. Look, I'm not trying to be John Basedow here. I just want to coach and be wheeled to every possible destination. I don't think that's too much to ask."