College Football Season Canceled After Preseason Polls Deemed Infallible

Top ranked University of Southern California won its 12th football national championship Wednesday as the 2007 college football season was decreed to be over before it even began. NCAA President Myles Brand handed down the ruling despite significant opposition, stating that he "sees no reason to risk student athletes' health and well-being for the sake of some games whose outcome has already been determined by magazines and websites all over the country. Besides, it’s not like we had a playoff to determine a champion like every other sport on the face of the planet, including Jai-Alai and Rock, Paper, Scissors."

According to Brand, the hundreds of preseason rankings and Player of the Year polls made his decision much easier. "All these prognosticators just seem so sure of themselves, and that makes me feel good about this," he said. "Now these young men will be able to devote the time and attention to their studies I know they so desperately yearn for. Our football players are students first and foremost. They have a real thirst for knowledge and hopefully our administrators can set forth to quench it."

Brand says he is unconcerned about the fact that never before have any college football previews predicted everything exactly right. "I'm aware of the element of human error that is involved with this, but that's why pencils have erasers," Brand said. "And even some pens have them now, have you seen these erasable pens? What an age we live in. Look, mistakes are made to be covered up and forgotten about, like the now defunct BCS. Erase that from your brain, forget it even existed. Please."

Additionally, Brand said he plans to punish schools he suspects would have eventually violated NCAA rules at some point in the season including Miami, Florida State and Ohio State, who will each lose three scholarships "just because I don't like the look of some of their guys and I'm pretty sure they would've started trouble this year had the opportunity presented itself."

The largely negative reaction to his decision has baffled Brand who sees only positives in canceling the season. "Never again will student athletes have to miss class,” he said. “The reason trainers or nerds were writing athletes’ term papers for them was due to their absence, not because the student athletes were lazy or coddled. I’m sure these guys will now attack the library with the same ferocity with which they used to attack a blocking sled or, in the case of Miami’s players, an opponent’s unprotected cranium.”