PRAY FOR MOJO: THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES: Sir Edmund Hillary

Every week on PRAY FOR MOJO we conduct "The Airing of Grievances." We've got a lot of problems with you people, now you're going to hear about it:

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to ever climb Mt. Everest, died last Thursday. He was 88. And while now is a time for his friends and family to remember a loved one, a loved one who also happened to accomplish something extraordinary that made his name known throughout the world, it is also a time to tell the truth. I regretfully think it's necessary, as admiration for Hillary rushes in like so much blood to an erection, to pour ice water down the collective pants of everyone to calm them down.

Sir Edmund climbed Mt. Everest first, and that's great. And while it is pretty amazing that he was able to climb such an imposing mountain without the aid of a snack bar that helps unleash the awesome power of apples, I can't get past the fact that everyone else wants to tell you how much harder it was for him that day in 1953 then it is for climbers now. Well, I want to tell you how much easier it was. Some argue that Hillary had to carry heavier oxygen tanks, and more of them, than climbers today. If the numerous oxygen tanks he carried were indeed much heavier, then it stands to reason that they were so because they were filled with so much more oxygen. Hence, creating a surplus and all but eliminating the altitude issue.

It's not the fact that Hillary was probably breathing comfortably throughout his climb that bothers me most. It's the fact that he was probably breathing comfortably and was not even the least bit disabled. No self inflicted loss of limbs, no asthma, he wasn't blind, he wasn't gay, nothing. So while Hillary deserves to rest in peace, we need to see the man for who he was: just another straight climber with good vision. That's right, gay = disability in the mountain climbing business. Ask any Sherpa. And I can only assume that's the reason you never hear about the countless failed gay climbers- because if one was successful it would be big news. And if that gay climber happened to also be blind? Then they would be the greatest hero of all: