Rays Owner Won't Hesitate to Sell Tropicana Field Naming Rights

Tampa Bay Rays owner Stuart Sternberg became the second Major League Baseball team owner in a week to announce that he wouldn't have any qualms about selling his team's stadium naming rights. Chicago Cubs owner Sam Zell had also said he would not hesitate to sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field, but that announcement has been dwarfed by the controversial bombshell dropped by Sternberg on the Tampa/St. Petersburg metropolitan area Thursday.

"To be honest, I'm not interested in the opinion of the baseball purists on this," Sternberg said. "When I bought this franchise I was not given a discount because of the worldwide name recognition of Tropicana Field. I need to look out for me and my financial investment, not baseball's old boy's club. I understand that the hundreds of Rays fans around the state maybe upset, but I can promise that the revenue earned from a name change will be pumped back into the team so we can continue to develop troubled, young talent that most likely will not pan out."

Sternberg would not comment on possible suitors, but a source close to the situation said a variety of fruit juice companies, including Welch's, Mott's, Juicy Juice and POM, are engaged in an all out bidding war. "This could raise the profile of cran-apple juice throughout the world to a level we never dreamed possible," one Ocean Spray executive said.

A "Save Tropicana" rally was planned in downtown St. Petersburg for Saturday, but was later canceled due to a previously scheduled Hanah Montana concert. Rays fan Doug Kelker, however, vows not to go down without a fight.

"Sure, first it's just the naming rights," Kelker said. "But next they're going to say they need to add more lights so people can see the game or expose the stadium to open air, it's crazy. Have you ever tried to sit outside in Tampa, Florida and enjoy yourself? It's impossible. Plus, you can't just screw with history. I saw Tanyon Sturtze allow 33 home runs and 271 hits here in 2002. And I saw Jonny Gomes get hit by 14 pitches in 2005. I saw all of those things, with my own eyes. And I saw them at a place called Tropicana Field. Please don't take that away from us."

Your Dad Named Manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers

After going back and forth trying to choose between a photo where he's pissing with his hand up on the wall and another, Sports Illustrated felt secure in the fact that they made the right call by going with this, the most tasteful and flattering Joe Torre picture to which they could gain access, to set up a story about his new digs:

I imagine this is exactly how he walks around his house, only in a spaghetti stained wife-beater and poo streaked tighty whiteys.

Pro Bowl Draws Ratings Comparable to Those of 'Blossom' Finale

In what can only be described as a banner month for the NFL in terms of television ratings, the annual Pro Bowl game was played in front of its widest viewing audience in history Sunday just one week after Super Bowl XLII was viewed by nearly 100 million people, second all-time to the finale of M.A.S.H. Early industry estimates are putting the overnight ratings for the 2008 Pro Bowl on par with those of the 1995 series finale of "Blossom."

"What can I say except maybe, 'Whoa,'" NFL spokesman Bob Larkin said. "Get it? 'Whoa!' Like Joey Lawrence used to say on 'Blossom' whenever a whacky situation presented itself. Of course, he also said it when very serious situations presented themselves. Or when very sad situations presented themselves. Or when it seemed the writers thought he hadn't spoken in a while and wanted to get him involved. Well, anyway, the point is these incredible Pro Bowl ratings make me say 'Whoa!'"

Larkin went on to suggest that this may not even be the high point for the league post Super Bowl. He believes 2008 preseason games could draw numbers equivalent to the premier of "Emeril" the sitcom and he expects the scouting combine to draw "'George Lopez' like audiences."

For her part, Blossom herself was none too pleased with the ratings of her greatest professional success being matched by the football all-star game. Mayim Bialik has vowed not to rest until "Blossom" again stands alone as the 936th most watched program in American history.

"Maybe we'll have to bring back 'Blossom' for a 'very special episode,'" Bialik said. "I still keep in contact with Six, I'm sure she'd be in. How would the NFL like that? We'd blow them out of the water. Think of all the sensitive subjects effecting teenage girls that we could tackle in a caring and important way. There's sex and condoms and venereal disease. Plus, I could definitely still do period drama. Not like time periods, I'm talking about menstruation. You name it, I'll do it. Whatever it takes to take down the NFL and take back what is rightfully Blossom's."

GREAT NEWS!

The writers' strike is over! Finally, I can get back to work! That's right, these ridiculously long periods of time in between updates here at PRAY FOR MOJO have been an act of solidarity with my Hollywood brethren*. Well now it's over and I can get back to giving you the mildly amusing sports satire and commentary that you sometimes come to this site to find. I want to thank everyone that has sent me their thoughts and letters of support during this down time. All six of you are very near and dear to me. So now, with only minimal further ado, there should be an update later today. After that, who knows. PRAY FOR MOJO fever- catch it, again!

*Delays have not actually been the result of an act of solidarity.